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My Dear Melancholy

I Struggle with depression everyday and I'm learning ways to suppress my suicidal thoughts I haven't got a hold of my manic episodes yet but I may never get a handle on them. If you know me then you know my story if not Hi I'm DC and I suffer from Bi Polar depression disorder. My two favorite artist are Joe Budden and The Weeknd. The reason why they are my favorite is because of the situations they've been in throughout their life are similar to mine. Music is saving my life because of what I can relate to and know that I'm not the only one going through these things. I used to hate my dad for so many reasons but recently opened up my eyes by asking myself why did he treat me the way he did? So I had a long conversation with him and to find out he didn't know how to love. That conversation had me in tears cause the same thing that happened to him he did to me. He was there physically to see but not emotionally or mentally I learned most things to learn how to be a man on my own I never had a role model growing up because of the domestic abuse between my mom and dad were to busy fighting each other. My go to was always writing, music or video games. I could always relate to a song in every situation I was in. I'm a very transparent person when it comes to the pain and things I been through in my life it can possibly help someone else out there that may need it. I came to terms with my dad and we are working on a better father and son relationship. That comes to what triggers my manic episodes, I am always kind to everyone and I always have positive intent for everybody I don't ever want to think that every one I cross will stab me in the back or slither like a snake. In a perfect world that would be nice but reality people aren't that kind and it goes back to the trust and love I didn't get when I was a child. I still deal with trust and love issues cause I try to Love everyone the same but in reality I cant some people are only loyal to what you can do for them not to you. Others just want to see you silently fail. Me? I'm genuinely proud of everyone who makes it and never discredits anyone until I see foul shit done and then that's when my manic episodes kick in. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I almost attempted two or three times this week if It hadn't been for me coming in my studio turning on Ableton to come up with a song or calling my mom when I broke down and was mentally drained I wouldn't be here right now. People that don't deal with this say pray about it it will get better which I believe in prayer but this right here is really rough its more than prayer its about getting myself together being able to get myself out my thoughts by having a coping skill useful. That's all that I have for this week moral of this blog is keep your head up if you're going through it have you a coping skill handy as well as an accountability partner and be careful who you trust.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/